I feel….. like crap.

didnt sleep well… had… such a bizarre dream. God, i need a Zumba class.. I took Tony to one for the first time last week, just to show him why i like it. I was like “dont laugh at me” and thats all he does usually, is bitch about what i wear or how i look… or find a way to make fun of me because i am too good for him.. i dont tell him that but the only reason anyone tears down other people is because they are unhappy with themselves… its not myproblem..

i just went in there and started having a good time and he was flabbergasted at my dancing skills.

i have depression today, from the weather and shit.. its amzing how vulnerable i am to that crap.

Trying to clean isaac’s room… its a nightmare, his gathering… is enough for me to medicate him. then John (his bus aide) tells me he has had a great day with him. Isaac is getting older now, and i tell him to get away from me, and stay out of my face, he was biting my shirt and pulling on it. its really hard. phew! motherhood sucks ass somedays…

with that being said you CANT be a mom, to him, you gotta be a teacher adn therapist and all that.. sometimes a sargeant. there is alot more to it then just that parenting shit.

my apologies for sounding to cold today. i am feeling numb.. and tired… and just not right. i feel like i could sleep all day standing up..

hello

STILL SICK! been sick now for a week.. its awful. today i was suppose to leave but cancelled my trip.. now i am just sitting here… sick, dirty, hair is a mess… house is a mess… Jacob said as soon i am better he is coming to get me lol

i finally hit 129 lb! my dad was like “you need to get down to 120” lol seriously? dad… that would put me underweight for my height LOL what a turd right? i know i am not big.. i was for about 8 or 9 months but looking better now… but man, once you lose your tummy, your boobs go too… haha

the only medicine that has actually helped me are breathing treatments and tylenol 3… GAHHHHHHHHHHHH i cant stand the codein… makes me sicker then i was in surgery. i feel asleep facedown because i couldnt move my body and all i could think about what colors, colors, colors… took it 2 days in a row and today i am not taking it so i am coughing alot…. i would rather cough then feel that way.

speaking of surgery.. i lost all my piercings but my ears…. i no longer have anything.. i feel a bit….. plain haha, i kinda want my cartilage done again but then again i dont…

i am going for a plain all natural look now… i had the black and white hair, the side bangs, the piercings…. i miss it but now i am doing all natural hair color, growing it out long, no bangs, no piercings… my family adores the plain me…

oh yeah, 1 more year until isaac is in school full time :) i am planning on becoming an xray tech, didnt know if you knew that or not. but that has been the plan for awhile just never told anyone about it. i have alittle over a year to make my final decision :) i am pretty excited… kinda scared but alot can change in a year too. just hoping i can do it with isaac. i know i could without him but with him, scares me.. do ANYTHING with him scares me… i havent met any autism moms that have managed to get out and get a career… they all do online courses… i am going to tech school KC the first chance i get.

still here.. accompanied with… BRONCHITIS

i know its been a few days.. sure enough i am sick as hell… cant hardly breath so i have been a sitting plant in bed for a few days…going to try and see a doctor off base today.

i will answer your question in a second… for now….i have to say… my life is…. pretty messed. i have been misdiagnosed AGAIN… i mean the pancreatitis was “just a thyroid issue” for 3 years… now my bronchitis is “just a viral infection” i wish i could go in there and throw knives… on top of all this.. my lil cousin wants me to come and stay with him in macomb IL, for a few days this week… not sure if i can make it because of this sickness… his poor wife… she must hate me..  sigh.. i keep on telling him i need to wait and get better so i dont get them sick and he wont listen to me lol DONT KNOW WHERE HE GETS THAT FAMILY STUBBORNESS!

isaac….. he isnt doing well. his therapist are concerned with his lack of progress. i cant get ahold of that autism center for nothing.. 3 months later still no calls or papers… i feel like crying…. like i did yesterday.

anyhoo.. i dont stick around constantly because i am afraid of being caught.. has nothing to do with you AT ALL. you never say anything to offend me or anything like that… i get guilt alot.. like Tony, a complete ass.. one that seriously kisses mine… it hurts him when i talk to you because i knows i like you. i feel bad hurting someone who would never do it to me. (sure the past he has, but i have no right to use that to justify my actions) so just always keep in mind, its never been anything you have said or done… its just my little conscience, reminding me that i should back off.

i have coughed so much, i have teeth marks in the bottom of my tongue.

gotta cut this short, isaac is stealing my pills. :/

Forgive me its been a bit since i’ve blogged.

This is long lol.

I am up at 5 am again! wish i could sleep.
I miss therapy yesterday for isaac at 3 pm. didnt know i had one scheduled with school time. Hope they dont kick me out for the no show. kinda nervous.

you would think they would fuckin know that….. its a skewl day for him. and no i aint drivin there.

looky there. sunlight. 7:17 am now. i am going to be tired as hell to be in zumba tonight.

lets see….. on Jan. 23… a month ago today.  I had an acid atttack at 10:00 pm. so i took a Nexium. (been on that for 4 years now) I woke up again about 2 am.. couldnt breath, couldnt speak, couldnt move. Took a second Nexium. (suppose to take 1 a day) but i was DYING. layed in bed… Tony was like “go to the ER” and i was like “i want to, but i cant drive” took a 3rd Nexium.

morning came still hurt like hell… i knew something wasnt right but i seriously was thinking it was the taco salad i had the day before. so went on my way.  That night, i realized it had been a month since isaac had seen the kids. so i took him to my mom’s to see the kids. 

i got there about 5 ish… and the pain came back FULL BLOWN. I told mom that i was having problems breathing and talking… the pain was in my ribs and would like shoot to my spine. so i couldnt move… my mom gave me some maylox or whatever its called for acid… it did nothing…

finally i just layed on the floor. now……i NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE go visit people and lay in their dman floor. its just not polite. and i keep shit proper even with mom and dad.

I was like “i know you gotta work but i need someone to drive me to Burg ER or I am going to die” so my dad took me.

We get to the ER, i LAYED MY HEAD ON MY DAD’s SHOULDER!!!!! I never touch him.. its just not that kind of relationship. We dont hug, we dont.. say “i love you” i mean we arent close like that.. and all of a sudden the room went blurry.

i went to the bathroom and peed, then i felt sick as hell which was impossible when i had only a bowl of cereal the whole day. I knew i was going to get sick so i seriously neatly folded my winter coat and set it aside. (the plaid one that you like)

had to grab a paper towel and puked all over myself, my shirt, pants, my 100$ shoes!!!!!!! *cry* lol no really, usually for me, if i eat somethign bad… 3 gags.. i am done. if its food poisening/flu 5 gags.. i am done. this was HORRIBLE. 10 gags! gagged so much i choked, they came out of the ER and took me out of the bathroom.

Doctor was like “pain” Me: fucking 10!!!!!! lol i was screaming, because i was STILL puking, STILL burning! even worse!!!!!!!! Doctor: where is pain? Me: FUCKING RIBS AND SPINE!!! something is fucking wrong!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY NOW!!! I CANT BREATH!!!!! (lol)

now… i am not one to cause a scene, but i was dying, and i knew i was.

they did blood work and came back 10 min. Acute/severe pancreatitis.

he said my enzyme count is suppose to be 300. mine was 27000, and if i would have waited only 4 more days, i would have been dead, because my pancreas would have stopped.

he can say what he wants… i would have died that night because i couldnt breath..

ended up in the hospital for 6 days.. they took away all foods. lived on… broth, jello, water.. lost 4 lb a day. starved, starved,starved.. i was not a fun person to be around.

the cause was gallstones. most people have them… inside the gallbladder, mine were outside blocking my liver and pancreas. so all 3 were inflamed.

they said my pregnancy could have caused it… so could have had this issue for nearly 5 years…and its brought on by stress.

they wanted to do surgery immediatly but the surgeon was out of town for a week so i had to be reconsulted with a new surgeon. i came home JAn 30 i think was the date, and still had to stay hungry. stayed on liquid for 4 more days..

by that time… i was on drugs for days.. so many drugs.. and no food… i was constantly high. i stayed drugged so i wouldnt focus on food. *tear* 

i went in for surgery Feb 6, by this time i was eating yogurt and spinach, they made me eat 3 days before.

being on drugs for 2 weeks, and no food… my brain was nutty as hell. i was shaking so bad, i couldnt mother isaac for shit. like when i was drugged, i didnt care to hug him and i knew that just WASNT right.. usually i hold him every chance i get.

the drug i was on, was stronger then morphine, they later gave me morphine to get me off of that stronger stuff. 

went into surgery.. everything went fine. i woke up with that damn tube in my mouth, and my arms belted down, and my right side hurt like hell. so i was moaned until they removed the crap off me. finally got to tell them “hurt” and they drugged me again which was nice…

then they said they didnt get the stones out! so they sent me to St. Joseph’s hospital in Kansas City, to get scoped. (tube down the throat to the lower intestine) I had 5 stones, somehow i managed to pass 3.. only had 2 left.

the morning before surgery, they couldnt find any veins… all my veins were collapsed from drugs and dydration… starvation..

there was a student nurse, telling the head nurse he was scared to do my Iv because my veins were like a newborn infant’s…

i just told him “no matter what he did… miss or not… its not going to hurt any worse then what the other nurse did to me, blowing the vein in the top of my right hand” i had, had….. 4 Iv’s i think.. maybe 5? he wanted to do it in my fucking armpit.

he did good though, he got it in my top left hand, first stick..

The scoping part was insane… took about 7 surgeons, and my anesthesiologist was a crazy ass lol he gave me a few drops of knock out stuff, and said “i just spiked you, you feel it?” and i was like “nope…” and he did it again, and was like “how about that time?” all of a sudden i was awake but couldnt lift my arms.. and i was like “really? lol perfect rape drug” lol h giggled… MAN!!!! the guy looked like a mad scientist version of HOUSE!!!!! lol seriously.. twins!

that scoping was awful, after i woke up, throat didnt hurt much because of drugs… which by this time.. 3 weeks straight now of drugs… i was addicted.. and didnt even know it yet. when i didnt have the IV, i was percocet, hydrocodone, and klonopin for my anxiety attacks from not eating.

now after surgery i felt sick as hell, and they nurses were putting alcohol strips in my nose to keep me from vomiting… it failed. and they kept me over night.

i stayed asleep from 8pm… til… 2 am.. finally had to pee… BADLY BADLY BADLY BADLY.. i couldnt move because my stomach was still cut open, i couldnt stand i was so drugged, and i puking… made it to the bathroom to pee.. and nothing would come out… so anxiety attack came. bladder was about to explode and couldnt get more then 3 drips.

finally the nurses treated me like it was boot camp! i had to relearn to use my damn bladder because they had catherized me during surgery and it messed up my feelings… with all the medication i couldnt hardly tell you my damn name, how am i suppose to make it to the bathroom right?

from 2 am- 6 am, i was forced to pee every 15 min.  trying to recognize that “gotta go” feeling again.. finally about 6:30 am, i was able to go but would stop flowing after 3 seconds.. so one bathroom trip would turn into a 5 min. one where i would sit until i couldnt get anymore out.. i could recognize the gotta go feeling, i couldnt figure out the “okay i am done feeling” that took me 4 more days after i left to learn when it was done…

so yes a few underwear accidents thinking it was done when it wasnt.. lol i was about to buy the damn adult diapers so i wouldnt have to wash the bedsheets lol luckily i never wet the bed :)

even after being home… i was still taking meds.. still taking them, not out of pain but out of wanting to feel loopy… when i mixed my klonopin with the hydrocodone and nearly killed myself 3 nights ago, i drove all the pills to my dad’s house and left them on the counter…

this is day 2 of no medicines…. i feel okay, because i have been exercising daily and meeting new friends… i crave the pills like chocolate. like now i cant sleep and i crave them, but i will get over it :) exercise seems to really help alot with stress…

as for the baby.. he is doing okay.. as soon as i get my head back on straight, i will be looking into possibly changing schools with him.. not sure yet but thinking about it. still gotta get my evaluation done on him.. they never sent the papers like they said they would.. so gonna be stalking their phone.

day 2 drug free.. i am super emotional.. i cry over everything.. even pretty songs.. i love driving the truck… my driving has actually improved lol.. i want to take a trip up there soon.. my cousin’s baby is having surgery too, so she wants me to be there and support her.

time now.. 8:14 am. its bright outside, my eyes burn, gonna lay down for a bit.

hope you are doing okay. life is a stinkin lemon. gonna go check on Jenni’s fishy.. he seems very happy.